Sunday, June 6, 2010

I Just Can't Imagine....


I want to thank all of you for your prayers, kind words and donations for my sister in-law.  Kiki is an amazing person and seeing her in the ICU, helpless, is just so unbelievably sad.  The other morning I got to have her all to myself for a bit.  I shared some letters and cards that I had received for her and told her all about her facebook messages and the emails I had gotten. I talked about the kids, gave her Z's flying kiss and told her how much I loved her.

As I looked at her, laying in the hospital bed, I could still not come to terms with the fact that I may never hear her speak again.  Her beautiful voice might never sing another note or act out another scene.  My beautiful "big sister" is most likely leaving this world and there is nothing I can do about it.  The damn cancer has robbed her of her thirties, has crushed her dream of becoming a mother and is taking her from this world much too early. 

It is so difficult for me to rap my head around it all.....I still feel like she could call at anytime and share the latest family gossip or call to check up on the kids.  As I sit here sobbing, I think about how Christmas, Easter and the Fourth of July will never be the same.......she was such a huge part of all of those holidays and I don't know what we are going to do without her.  My Z is losing his "Fairy Godmother", his fun and energetic Auntie Kiki....C will never get to play with her Auntie Kiki and will be too little to remember her.  The whole thing is heart breaking.

Kiki, I love you and hope that you find peace soon.  I can't picture life without you but I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that you are celebrated each and every day.  I promise to live my life the way you would have wanted to live yours and want you to know how proud of you I am and how very important you are to me!  I love you Big Sis!

8 comments:

Tree said...

This is so sad! :( I'm so very sorry for you and your family. Please know that I am praying for Kiki....God does nothing short of miracles, so it's still possible. Cancer is a terrible, hurtful thing...I know, because my mom was told she was dying this past December, and by the grace of God and after many chemo treatments, she is still with us!! I'm sure she is a beautiful person inside and out, and if nothing else, you will have wonderful memories to share with your family.

Annie said...

Hugs!!!!

Poolside with the Girls said...

I've been MIA lately so I missed your first post about your sister in law. I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. Just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. xoxo

Mom said...

Kiki knows what is in your heart. You have shared this with her since the day you met S's big sister. What you are doing for her and the family, now and over the past almost 12 years, shows how much they all mean to you.
It isn't easy, no one said that losing someone you care about is ever going to be easy. Love sometimes hurts, but in the end what you all shared will be worth the hurting.
I have a feeling that God has a new stage for Kiki to perform on. When she is ready, she will join, and probably start running, the heavenly chorus. We will hear her lovely voice through the birds, on the wind, in the rain, and during those quiet peaceful moments. Kiki will always be with us and in our hearts. She will be in the smiles and twinkling eyes of Z and Lil'C. She will never be gone. Someone as wonderful as her can never be gone.
Be strong for S, Z and Kiki's family. I know it isn't easy to always be the strong one, but they need you to be right now. We are here if you need an ear or a shoulder. You know I can cry with the best of them.
Know you are loved not only for what you are doing for S and the family, but for the wonderful person you are. Kiki will live on in you.
I love you!

Nicolasa said...

I'm sorry you have to go through something like this. I'll be thinking of you and sending peaceful thoughts to K.

Beth P. said...

Oh my. I am in tears for you. I am so incredibly sorry and understand how difficult this is. It is just so unbelievable when someone so amazing goes through something like this well before their time. It sounds to me like Kiki probably knows exactly how amazing you are and how much you love her. She will always be with you - try to remember that.

Hugs to you. Thoughts and prayers for your whole family.

MamaB said...

I will continue to pray for Kiki as well as your whole family. I'm positive Kiki knows how you feel and was so grateful to have you as a friend, sister and confindont. I know this has to be unbearable and I wish I could do more. Sending hugs and peace to you and your family. My God bless you and keep you through all of this!

Connie Weiss said...

I'm so sorry honey.

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