A Special Night of Voting

S got home a little before 7 tonight so that I could go and vote.  I was super tired but I had promised Z that I would take him so we bundled up and headed to the polls.  Z has been so into the election this year.  Since the first signs appeared over the summer he has been full of questions.  I have spent the last few months explaining the election process and he has soaked in every word.  He heavily campaigned for his favorite candidates and would shout their name every time he saw one of their signs :)  His favorite candidate was O, who was running for state representative, and if you asked him why he liked him so much he would tell you because he had a fun name to say and cool orange signs :)

As we drove into the high school parking lot, a feeling of electricity came over me.  The place was all lit up and a buzz with activity.  There were voters, campaigners, tables with information about the different town organizations....it was exciting.  I carried Z through the line of signs and his favorite candidate O was there and said "Hello" to him.  When I later told him who had said hello, you would have thought Buddy from the Dinosaur Train had said hello to Z, he was so thrilled!   I put him down in the lobby and he hobbled with me (yes he has a fractured tibia...more on that later) to the voting table.  He told the people our last name and they handed him the ballot.  We walked into the booth and we immediately voted for his guy O.  He then tried to convince me to vote for the rest of his ticket but unfortunately we don't always agree politically :)  It was then off to the ballot machine where he slid our ballot in.

"Did O win mommy?  Will he run our state now?" he asked.  I told him that we would have to wait until the morning to find out.  On the way out I let him touch one of O's signs :)  He asked if he could take one home and I explained that he might need them if he ever ran for office again.  Then Z told me that he was going to make signs so that he could run our state.  I suggested he start with campaigning for best son of the house :)

The whole way home we talked about the election and about how all the votes now needed to be counted.  I then told him that the signs would soon go away.  This idea may thrill many but Z was devestated.  I told him that in the spring, more signs would pop up again and then in two years we would have a really big election for president.  This seemed to cheer him up a bit.

I LOVE voting....it is one of my favorite things to do.  It always makes me feel proud to be an American and happy to have a say (however small).  Tonight was by far the most special voting night I have ever had,  Thanks Z for making such a wonderful memory for me.

A Halloween Poem

The pumpkin is carved, the costumes are ready

but something is not quite right this Halloween night.

Our trick or treaters (one cow and one planet hero)

to look at them is quite the sight!

Our little moo cow is not feeling well

and has green snots oozing out of her nose.

Our Shiver from Pluto is moving quite slow

for he is in a cast from his knee to his toe.

"Oh what to do?" say mom and dad

We do not want either to miss out on the fun

Dad will take Shiver around in the wagon

While mom will play at home with the wee little one.

Happy Halloween!!

An Out of This World Birthday

Z is now four....hard to believe!  This past weekend he had 2 of his 3 birthday parties (yes I know, I know).  His first birthday was a friend party at a local bounce house.  There were four inflatable bounce houses (including a giant one with a slide), 18 children over age one, 7 babies, a bunch of parents, my babysitter and my dad :)  It was pure chaos and Z loved every minute of it. 

We had a space theme (Planet Heroes to be specific) and made all of the decorations by hand.  Z helped with every aspect of his party.  He helped plan it, desgin the decorations, make and fill the goody bags, bake the cookies (he hates cake) and deocorate the cupcakes.  It was a bit frustrating at times having to move so slowly with my junior party planner but in the end I would not have wanted it any other way.  Because he was so involved in the planning and creating of the party, he began to realize how much work it all was.  At one point he looked at me while we were printing off some decorations and he said, "Thank you Mommy".  That alone made everything I was doing worth it!

Z's second party was with S's family.  This party was a breakfast space party (his favorite meal) and came complete with a donut cake!!!!  It was lot's of fun and he was given his bike at this party (although the planet hero he received from his grandparents trumped the bike....oh well).  It was a wonderful weekend and very soon he will have his third celebration with my family and all of his lake friends.  We can't wait.

Growing Up

Lil' C is in the beginning stages of walking and so I have been desperately trying to capture it on film.  I have wonderful footage of Z taking his first steps and every time I go to film Lil' C she either falls and starts crawling or Z gets in front of the camera and tries to steal the show :)  Last night I decided to show Z his movie in hopes that he would be more understanding when it comes to filming Lil' C during this major milestone. 

While we watched the video, I began to tear up.  Z asked what was wrong and I tried to explain to him that I was a little sad because my babies were growing up.  Z will be four at the end of this month and C is one month away from turning one!!!  This fact has had me emotional for a few weeks now but seeing the video of Z as a baby.....it was just too much for me. 

Z came and patted my back and said,

"It's okay Mommy but you can't change us back.  We are suppose to grow up." 

Hearing these wise words come out of my almost four year old made me cry even harder.  It is true, they are suppose to grow up and I can't make them babies again....I just wish that we could press the pause button for awhile and truly enjoy the present.

Change

 

It has been over 2 months since I have visited this blog or anyone's blog.  As a matter of fact, I had no intentions of visiting it tonight but one wrong click and my blog appeared and it was as if an old friend (or friends) were begging me to stay for just a little while.  So here I am....for now.

This summer has been all about change for us.  The biggest change was the absence of Scott's sister.  How do we fill the empty hole at the dinner table or the bigger hole in our hearts?  They say that time heals all wounds but for those of us who are late to the grieving table, it only seems to be getting worse.  We know that grieving is a process and that this first year of "firsts" will be difficult.  S's parents desperately want to find away to help Kiki's memory live on.  We have brainstormed hundreds of different options but we truly struggle to find the best way to honor her life and the amazing person that she was. 

Another huge change for us was S's job.  S's company was sold and he was offered a very good job with the new company down south in GA.  We spent many hours discussing the pros and cons of the move.  We love New England and most of our family and friends are within 2 hours of us.  It was hard to imagine living so far away (even if it was in a gigantic, beautiful house) and feeling so alone.  Some thought we were crazy to turn down such a job but S is very excited to be starting his own company (I know, crazy times to be starting business) and so that is what we are doing.  We decided we would rather live in a cardboard box and be surrounded by family than live in a 5,000 square foot home with a nanny and a butler (okay I am exaggerating just a bit) all alone. 

Another change (a good change) was that I finally figured out why I was feeling so sick all spring/summer.  It turns out that the thyroid is a pretty remarkable little gland for being so small and when it is under attack it doesn't function the way it should.  Many of the symptoms are similar to postpartum symptoms (infact my issues started off as postpartum hypothyroidism) and that is why it was difficult to pinpoint.  I am now on medication (for life) and my energy is slowly returning :)


I guess that is enough for now.  I do miss my blog friends and hope that when things get back into a routine around here that I will be able to stop by and visit.  I have decided that facebook and blogging had been taking up too much of my family time and so I have deleted my facebook page (not that it is ever really gone) and will not be blogging as frequently as I use to.  I do want to keep this outlet for myself though and love to have it as a sort of journal for my children.  I also know that my mom, mother in-law, a few friends and some aunts love to read it too so I plan to keep it going for them as well :)

 

Lil' C is almost 11 months!!!      Here she is crawling up to her new cousin J

Summer Goals and Adventures

I am a little late sharing our summer adventure list this year but I figure better late than never.  Z and I made the list about a month ago and it is hanging in our kitchen.  Every time we complete an adventure or an activity, we put a star sticker next to it.  Some activities have a bunch of stars next to them already (we have been to the beach 3 times this year so far).

This is our 6th year of making these lists (S and I use to do them before kids).  We always find that summer so quickly and before you know it, the leaves are changing colors. These lists have helped us to make sure that we make the most out of our short New England summers.

This year we are concentrating on making special memories with extended family.  Family is so important and after all we have been through in the last few months, we like to be with our family as much as we can!  Z (and Lil' C) have enjoyed the adventures so far and I have also had a theme for each week for Z.  This week's theme is DINOSAURS and so every day there is an activity or trip that relates to the theme.  Last week was SPACE WEEK and the week before was RED WHITE and BLUE week (in honor of the 4th).  I will share more about our themes later :)

So here is our Summer Adventure list for 2010 :)

Theme Weeks for Z
(Z has requested most of these themes)

1. Red White and Blue week
2. Space Week
3. Dinosaur Week
4. Volcano Week
5. Bridges and Tunnels Week
6. Ocean Week
8. Water and Bubble Week
9. Lake Week (boats, wildlife)
10. Kitchen Science Week
11. "Play Ball" Week or Music Week

Family Adventures (Z and I made this list together)

1.  trip to a baseball game **
2.  camp in the backyard
3.  campfires with marshmallows ***

4.  picnic on the beach ****

5.  get Del's lemonade ****
6.  eat clamcakes and chowdah **
7.  lobster dinner in Maine *
8.  mini golfing **
9.  trip to the driving range
10. tie die shirts
11.  trip to the planetarium *
12.  have fun on the jetski ***************
13.  build a sandcastle **************
14.  visit our CSA weekly *******
15.  pick blueberries **
16.  make lots of popsicles *****************
17.  water fun in the backyard ***
18.  work in our garden ***********
19.  trip to the splash park *
20.  spend time at the lake (a month!!!!)**************
21.  go to the zoo *
22.  beach combing *
23.  summer reading program at the library *
24.  Storyland (we went to santa's village instead :)) *
25.  look for fireflies *
26.  go stargazing **
27.  go swimming at auntie's lake **
28.  go bowling (a lot) ***
29.  trip to get gingerbread men at the YUM YUM shop
30.  go to the local science museum

And as always we will be playing the summer license plate game! I have been playing this since I was a small child. It is really easy....from Memorial Day-Labor Day you try to find as many license plates from the 50 states as you can....one year I had 47 (including Hawaii!)  We already have 20 :)

Once again I highly recommend putting together your own Summer Adventure list. We find that our list helps us to make the most out of our summer and helps us to create so many wonderful summer memories!

Telling Z....

Wow, I have been gone a long time......

I want to start by thanking everyone for their comments, prayers, cards, donations and love.  It has been a very hard month but we have been so appreciative of all of those around us (near and far, real and virtual).  I apologize if I have not returned your emails yet, called you back or been to your blog for awhile.....I will.  I have been trying to catch up around the house, spend some quality time with my family, write hundreds of thank you notes (no exaggeration) and continue to keep my beautiful sister in-law's memory alive through the websites I have created for her.  It has been a bit overwhelming but we are doing our best.

I wanted to share with you now the difficult task of telling Z that his Auntie Kiki, his godmother, had passed away.  We took the advice of a good friend and did not tell him right away (thanks Sey).  This ended up being very good advice because he initially went with me to S's parents house for a few nights (we were in a hotel) and then left us to spend the weekend with my parents at the lake while we attended the wake and funeral.  If we had told him right away, it might have been very difficult for him to leave us for the weekend.  It also gave us time to chat and figure out the best way to tell him.

Over a week a half had passed before we told Z.  We were successful in shielding him for that long from most comments and conversations.  On Thursday of last week, somebody said something in front of him and he looked at me with a look of confusion.  I called s and told him that we had to tell Z that night (we had hoped to wait until the weekend) and so that is what we did.

Right before dinner (the baby was in bed) we called him over to the couch.  Still unsure of what we would say (even though we had done so much reading and talked with a therapist) we sat him down.  We reminded him of the book I had read to him about cancer (it was for children and compared the disease to weeds in a garden) and discussed his Auntie's sickness.  We then talked about Noni and how she was an angel in heaven and told him that Kiki was with Noni now because she could no longer fight the weeds in her garden.  Z looked worried, sad and puzzled and I began to cry.  He asked if she would be able to come back and we told him that she would not be able to come back as a person but she might be able to visit us as a butterfly, bird or dragonfly.  We said that the next time one of these beautiful creatures is hanging around us, it might be Kiki (I have a post about this for another time).  At this point S was choked up and I was sobbing.....then the lights went out!  They quickly came back on and S and I knew it was Auntie Kiki trying to lighten the mood :)  She was successful and we went on to answer Z's questions without the tears.  (Thanks Kiki!!)

After lots of hugs, we went on to eat our dinner.  Z asked if he could say grace.  His usual grace goes like this......

"Thank you for this food, please help Kiki get better and please help find Buzz Lightyear"

He started his grace off in the same manner as always but when he got to the Kiki part he stopped.  He looked at us and we told him that he could still pray for Kiki and that he could say that he hopes that she is happy up in Heaven.  He added this in and then prayed for Buzz.

Since this night, he has had some nightmares, some worried moments (he thought that I might die because my back has been hurting) and some interesting questions.  Despite all of this, I am so much happier now that he knows because we can openly discuss our feelings and talk about Kiki and how much we miss her and share all of the wonderful stories we have about her.  This past weekend we were down visiting S's family again and Z was given a Batman stuffed animal that had belonged to Kiki.  He now treasures this toy and tells everyone who will listen that it was his Auntie Kiki's.

He is a special boy and we will make it our mission to help him remember his wonderful auntie.

Goodbye Sweet Angel

Good night my angel time to close you eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Where ever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Good night my angel now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Do do do do...

Goodnight my angel now it's time to dream
And dream how wondeful your life will be
Someday your child will cry and if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on
They never die that's how you and I will be 

-Billy Joel

Good Night Sweet Kiki......Your soul has been set free and you shall suffer no more.  

I Love you now and forever! 

I Just Can't Imagine....

I want to thank all of you for your prayers, kind words and donations for my sister in-law.  Kiki is an amazing person and seeing her in the ICU, helpless, is just so unbelievably sad.  The other morning I got to have her all to myself for a bit.  I shared some letters and cards that I had received for her and told her all about her facebook messages and the emails I had gotten. I talked about the kids, gave her Z's flying kiss and told her how much I loved her.

As I looked at her, laying in the hospital bed, I could still not come to terms with the fact that I may never hear her speak again.  Her beautiful voice might never sing another note or act out another scene.  My beautiful "big sister" is most likely leaving this world and there is nothing I can do about it.  The damn cancer has robbed her of her thirties, has crushed her dream of becoming a mother and is taking her from this world much too early. 

It is so difficult for me to rap my head around it all.....I still feel like she could call at anytime and share the latest family gossip or call to check up on the kids.  As I sit here sobbing, I think about how Christmas, Easter and the Fourth of July will never be the same.......she was such a huge part of all of those holidays and I don't know what we are going to do without her.  My Z is losing his "Fairy Godmother", his fun and energetic Auntie Kiki....C will never get to play with her Auntie Kiki and will be too little to remember her.  The whole thing is heart breaking.

Kiki, I love you and hope that you find peace soon.  I can't picture life without you but I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that you are celebrated each and every day.  I promise to live my life the way you would have wanted to live yours and want you to know how proud of you I am and how very important you are to me!  I love you Big Sis!

I Need Your Prayers Tonight....

I know I have been missing lately and I wish it were for happier circumstances.  Sunday night, my beautiful and vibrant sister in-law went into cardiac arrest and is now in a coma.  She has suffered for four long years with stage for breast cancer.  She was only 32 when she was diagnosed....it is all so tragic.

K is more than a sister in-law to me, she is my big sister.  Being the oldest in the family, I never had th
e priveledge of having an older sibling.  When I started dating S back in 1998, K quickly took on this role and I now I can't imagine life without her.  We share books, plan the holidays together, love to gossip, both like to shop and we love to spend time at the lake together....we do all the things that big sisters do without the fighting.  It is wonderful.

Now my big sister is fighting for her life, hanging on by a thread and there is nothing I can do about it.  It is awful, unfair and seeing her today was very hard.  My bright, energetic, loveable K was lying there helpless and withdrawn......words can not describe the pain I feel as I think about her and everything that K's husband, my in-laws, S and his sister A are going through right now. 
For the past three and a half years K has led everyone to believe that she was in remission.  She decided to suffer quietly with her husband while the rest of the world thought she was cancer free.  She made this decision because she was tired of being pitied and did not want the cancer to run her life...she wanted to be herself, not a person with a disease.  Starting in January, her health took a horrible turn.  Still not wanting people to know what was going on, she hid away and only her close family knew the pain and suffering that she was dealing with.  It wasn't until the beginning of May that she finally allowed us to share with people what she was going through and allowed us to start fundraising for her.

Over the last month I have had the honor of leading the fundraising effort.  It has been amazing to see all of the love and support that has been given to K.  We have even had perfect strangers come forward and donate money, it has been a beautiful but difficult experience for me.  People have shared pictures, letters, stories, notes, poems, paintings, songs and so much more....I have placed all of these on a website and have been able to share them with the family and K.  I have been given a great gift through this fundraising effort, I have been able to see how many lives K has touched and how special she is to so many people.  I am proud to say that in four short weeks we have raised almost $10,000 (still a ways away from the $100,000 of out of pocket medical expenses they have had over the last four years....but still very helpful). 
So tonight I sit her crying, praying and hoping for a miracle.  I would be so appreciative and grateful if you could also add K to your prayers.  Right now she needs as many people praying for her as possible.

Thank you and good night!