I am one of those people who love to beat themselves up. "I am too fat, I am not doing enough as a mother, I don't keep the house clean enough".....etc. This problem has gotten better over the years but I still have a long way to go.
Last week I was a bit of a head case over my weight and self image. Believe me, we are not talking an eating disorder (I LOVE food and wine too much for that), I just constantly beat myself up after I have eaten too much or if my clothes don't fit right. It was a tough week for me food wise and I was dreading the scale at Weight Watchers.
As it turned out, I had lost a pound (don't know how). All that worrying over nothing...I believe this was why S did not want me to go back to Weight Watchers :) Well I have spent the last week trying to examine and appreciate all that I have accomplished this year and hope to highlight some of that here rather than dwell on what I could be doing differently.
Last week marked the 5 "monthiversary" of my dedication to me! It was 5 months ago that I said I was going to work out 5-6 days a week, eat better and try to get back into a size 8.
Well guess what.....I have done all that and I think it is important to acknowledge that. For the last 5 months I have been running, lifting weights or doing aerobics 5-6 days a week. I have run further than I have ever run before and I am signed up for the 1/2 marathon that I have always wanted to run. I have muscle definition that I haven't seen in years (maybe ever) and my size 8 clothes fit once again! I am eating well (for the most part), drinking less and slowly making progress at Weight Watchers (3 more pounds to go). There is a lot to celebrate here :) So why was I so miserable????
I have come to the conclusion that no matter what size or weight I am, I will always feel large and want to be smaller....no matter how much muscle I have built up, I will always feel it isn't enough. I guess that is part of being a woman? an American? I really don't know what it is from.
I have the most supportive and encouraging husband in the world. He truly does not care what I look like and is constantly complimenting me on how good I look and telling me how proud he is of my running. So what is my problem???
Who knows but I am using this entry to admit to the world (or my few readers) that I am finally happy with the way I look. Yes, there is always more to lose and tone but I am proud of all I have done over the last 5 months and even more proud of how dedicated and strong I have become :) So there, I said it (I hope this entry saves me hundreds of dollars in therapy :)).......I am happy with who I am right now! If I don't lose the final three pounds at WW...who cares!?!!? As long as I keep this healthy weight up and keep on running...who cares about a number on a scale??? Right??!!?? (Well I do secretly care but I am trying not to...oh maybe I do need therapy!).
Thanks for reading :)
12.12.17 ~ home & hearth
1 day ago