Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A Cheer For Me :)

I am one of those people who love to beat themselves up. "I am too fat, I am not doing enough as a mother, I don't keep the house clean enough".....etc. This problem has gotten better over the years but I still have a long way to go.

Last week I was a bit of a head case over my weight and self image. Believe me, we are not talking an eating disorder (I LOVE food and wine too much for that), I just constantly beat myself up after I have eaten too much or if my clothes don't fit right. It was a tough week for me food wise and I was dreading the scale at Weight Watchers.

As it turned out, I had lost a pound (don't know how). All that worrying over nothing...I believe this was why S did not want me to go back to Weight Watchers :) Well I have spent the last week trying to examine and appreciate all that I have accomplished this year and hope to highlight some of that here rather than dwell on what I could be doing differently.

Last week marked the 5 "monthiversary" of my dedication to me! It was 5 months ago that I said I was going to work out 5-6 days a week, eat better and try to get back into a size 8.

Well guess what.....I have done all that and I think it is important to acknowledge that. For the last 5 months I have been running, lifting weights or doing aerobics 5-6 days a week. I have run further than I have ever run before and I am signed up for the 1/2 marathon that I have always wanted to run. I have muscle definition that I haven't seen in years (maybe ever) and my size 8 clothes fit once again! I am eating well (for the most part), drinking less and slowly making progress at Weight Watchers (3 more pounds to go). There is a lot to celebrate here :) So why was I so miserable????

I have come to the conclusion that no matter what size or weight I am, I will always feel large and want to be matter how much muscle I have built up, I will always feel it isn't enough. I guess that is part of being a woman? an American? I really don't know what it is from.

I have the most supportive and encouraging husband in the world. He truly does not care what I look like and is constantly complimenting me on how good I look and telling me how proud he is of my running. So what is my problem???

Who knows but I am using this entry to admit to the world (or my few readers) that I am finally happy with the way I look. Yes, there is always more to lose and tone but I am proud of all I have done over the last 5 months and even more proud of how dedicated and strong I have become :) So there, I said it (I hope this entry saves me hundreds of dollars in therapy :)).......I am happy with who I am right now! If I don't lose the final three pounds at WW...who cares!?!!? As long as I keep this healthy weight up and keep on running...who cares about a number on a scale??? Right??!!?? (Well I do secretly care but I am trying not to...oh maybe I do need therapy!).

Thanks for reading :)


A Buns Life said...

Congrats and keep up the good work!!! I think we all have a bit of body dysmorphic disorder....I get on the scale and *should* love what it says. After two children I am the same weight if not less than the day I got married, (and I was on ww for 6 months STRICTLY to get to that weight) and yet I feel bloated and fat. No, worries though....I could never be anorexic or do anything gross, I love my food too much. I just don't think that I view myself the same way as others see me. O'well, it is what it is. :)

Mom said...

FINALLY! You have always been hard on yourself. Harder than anyone else ever was. Part of that, I think, was being the oldest. You needed to the top, maybe to pave the way for your younger sisters, not sure. But you always had to put in 120% and still were worried it wasn't enough.
Dad and I thought you would have an ulcer before you hit 15!
So, I am happy you are happy with yourself. You are in great shape, look wonderful and have tons of energy. BUT...(there is always a but around somewhere) if you slip, gain a pound or two, miss a day of exercising, or don't run as far as you want, don't beat yourself up or put yourself down. Look at what you can do, where you have gone, and give yourself a break!
Love ya!

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